Uninterested

Severus was nine when he learned what sex was. Or at least, he thought he did.

Petunia had been forced to sit outside and watch him and Lily while they played and took it upon herself to give them both the Birds and the Bees talk when they got into an argument over whether babies are made in cauldrons or grown in cabbages. 

“You’re both wrong!” She stood, two years older than them, hair frizzy from being straightened too many times, and so sure of herself, “Everyone knows babies come from mums and dads!”

“Oh yeah, how?” Lily challenged.

“When a mum and dad get married, they have sex!” She crossed her arms, “The night they get married, they sleep together in the same bed and then the mum gets pregnant.”

Lily looked like she didn't believe her, because she’s picked up on the fact that that makes no sense, even as a child. Severus on the other hand, felt like he’d swallowed a bitter potion. 

He knows what being married looks like, had seen his parent’s smiles fade through their photo album, heard the arguments outside his door and could feel the bruises left on him when the ones on his mum just weren’t enough. If you had to be married to have sex and have a baby then Severus was glad he didn’t want to have kids. 

“Sex sounds gross,” He’s whispered to Lily when Petunia went back to her perch on the Evan’s porch.

“Yeah, I’d rather just grow a baby.” She whispered back, which restarted their argument, but whispered this time, so Petunia wouldn’t come back over.

*

Severus was sitting on the train to Hogwarts for the first time when he realized he liked Lily. 

He looked at her, watching in awe  at the green hills flying past their window, and thought she was perfect. The sun lit her hair up like fire, made her big smile shine, and she looked so excited, so happy. 

He thought, for a second, he wouldn’t mind being married to her.

*

At some point before he learned the truth, he knew that what Petunia had said didn’t make sense. His parent’s slept in the same bed all the time but he didn’t have any siblings and Lily’s parents slept in the same bed but they only have two children. He knows it’s wrong but doesn’t think on it any further.

In second year, he hears Lucius talking to Stuart Craggy in the sixth year dorm. He’s only in there to work on his Essay for charms, it’s too late to go to the library with Lily and his own year mates are arguing about something in their dorm. He doesn’t mean to, but he really can’t help but overhear their conversation.

“You weren’t lying?” Lucius asks, “You’ll really court her?”

“We’re a bit late for courting,” Craggy huffs, “People saw us leaving together, even if she gets rid of it, people will talk.”

“You can’t marry her,” Lucius sounds shocked, “She’s a halfblood, not to mention a Hufflepuff, your mother would riot.”

“I at least have to act like it’s an option.” He groans, “we court for a few months, break it off before our parents think we’re serious, I get back together with Emma and everyone forgets this ever happened.”

“You’re a braver soul that I,” he hears Lucius stand, “If I even thought of courting someone other than Narcissa, I’m not sure who would get me first, her, her sisters or her mother.”

“Thanks for the words of encouragement, Malfoy,” Stuart stands with him, picking up his things to leave, “I promise I’ll let you speak at my funeral.”

He leaves and Severus doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything, barely breaths, until Lucius walks up to him and he realizes he hasn’t written in a word in minutes. 

“How’s the essay, Sev?” He asks, rounding to sit beside him.

“I- well,” He flushes, knowing he was caught even before he started stammering like an idiot, “I didn’t mean to listen in.”

Lucius laughs, the open mouthed kind where you can see his teeth, not the smirking chuckle he gives in the great hall and in classes, “I don’t mind, we didn’t put up any privacy spells,” he nudges Severus lightly, “and it’s going to be public knowledge at some point.”

He can’t help smiling. Lucius, for all his questionable beliefs and scheming, is a bright light in his Slytherin experience. When he was bullied for being a halfblood, Lucius stood in front of him, took him under his wing, explained the idiosyncrasies of living with purebloods he couldn’t get from his mother. He answered his questions, even when it seemed awkward.

“Before, when he said ‘get rid of it’,” He gripped his quill, thinking about his best friend’s stupid older sister’s stupid face, making fun of him for having to ask, “What did he mean?”

“Well,” He starts, and pauses, thinking over what to say. Severus can’t tell if it’s because he was raised to consider his words or if he was just having a hard time finding a way to say it, “during our quidditch party last month, Craggy drank a bit too much and went off with a Hufflepuff a year below us. He ended up getting her pregnant.”

Severus thought about that. Stuart Craggy had been courting Emma Vailent since they were in third year, or so he heard, it was only a matter of time before they were properly engaged. He can’t understand why he would mess that up. So of course, he asks. 

“Well, he wasn’t thinking straight,” Lucius shrugs, “Which isn’t an excuse, Emma’s going to kill him, no doubt. But sometimes, when we’re not in our right mind, we don’t think about the consequences, just what will make us feel good in the moment.”

“Ruining his relationship would make him feel good in the moment?” 

“No, he-” They looked at each other for a long moment, and he could see the gears turning in the other’s head, “He just wanted to have sex.”

Severus felt his face contort without thinking, "What's so good about sex?"

His face burned as soon as he'd said it. He didn't even know what sex was, what was he asking? He was lucky they were alone in the dorm or he might have slipped poison into his, Lucius'  and any bystanders drinks just to make sure his mistakes died with them. 

Lucius looked at him, frowning with a little tic in his brow that usually meant he was going to get Narcissa to deal with something in his stead. He couldn't imagine the horror of her being here for this conversation. Finally, as if they hadn't spent entire minutes in torturous silence, Lucius opened his mouth. 

"What do you know about... how children are made?" He asked, hiding his grimace at his own words just a second too late.

"Parents make children after they're married," he answered easily, "though, I suppose the married part is optional if Craggy got a girl pregnant."

"Alright. Give me a moment." Lucius stood, going over to his trunk to rummage around. It took him a long time, a lot of arm deep grumbling in his expanded library compartment, before he found what he was looking for and brought it back to Severus.

“A Young Wizard’s Guide to Sexual Health,” he read aloud the cover of the book, already feeling his stomach drop.

“My uncle gave me this when I was a bit younger than you,” Lucius told him, “It has the basics of puberty, male and female anatomy and how they, well, fit together.”

He took the book, though he wanted to throw it away. Why couldn’t Lucius just tell him himself?

“If you have any questions, feel free to ask but,” he nodded to the book, “I think it would be in both of our best interests if you read it yourself.”

He left the dorm, taking his ink and quill and essay and the book with him, though he just wants to forget about it all. When he’s in his own bed, he takes out the book and shuffles through it. 

He would admit, the hand drawn looking anatomical references and charts, he could get behind. It was like a textbook, just an embarrassing one. He understood the anatomy, he had seen himself naked many times in his life (as one tends to do) and could match up the labels to his own body. The female anatomy he didn’t have any experience with, of course. He understood conception, a sperm meets an egg and it grows into a baby, not unsimilar to how chicken eggs work, though some things are shuffled around of course.

The part he didn’t get, didn’t want to get, was the actual act. Penis in vagina (or other hole, he assumed), sperm to egg, done. He understands that part. But as soon as they get past the anatomical and into the cultural, he almost throws the book out of his bed (he doesn’t, he wouldn’t risk someone else seeing it.) He skims through the passages on proprietary, waiting for marriage, bearing heirs, caring for one’s baser urges. He understands it, but he doesn’t get it. He hopes he never does.

The next day he sidesteps Lucius for as long as he can, instead going out to sit by Lily under a tree on the grounds. He shows her the book and feels validated when she cringes like he did.

*

“Come on, Snivellus!” Black holds his arms back so he can’t reach his wand, “Just answer the question!”

“Fuck off, Black!” He tries to squirm out of his hold, but he’s significantly shorter than most of his year mates and has very little arm strength. 

“Sirius, it’s almost time for class,” Lupin tries, as if their attendance was more important than him. “Just let him go.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mooney, we’re almost done,” Potter pulls the front of Severus’ robes, “You heard the man, we’re almost late, answer the question.”

“I don’t know what you WANT!” He wanted to scream and if he could reach his knife it would be over for these prats, “Just let me go.”

“We wanna know what curse you used to make Evans like you!” Black tightened his grip so he was being pulled in two ways at once. “Why else would she let you hang off her all day?”

“We all know you know more curses than half of Slytherin!” Potter snickered.

“Unless you want that half of Slytherin in your ass, you’ll let him go.” 

He felt Black stiffen up before dropping him, turning around, “Don’t you need to get to class?”

“Don’t you?” The voice asks, stepping closer, “It’d be a shame if I had to explain to mother why we were both late.”

“Whatever, Pads, let’s just go,” Potter lets go of his collar, pushing past him. Sirius followed, murmuring about something or another, and the little blond they hang out with scurries after.

Severus turns, picking himself up, and sees only Lupin is left, standing with one of the first year Slytherins he hadn’t gotten to meet. Lupin looks at him, open his mouth to say something, but chickens out and leaves, following his friends. 

“I’m Regulus,” The first year holds out his hand, and he takes it, mostly to be polite. 

“Severus.”

*

The summer of third year, his dad calls him a pansy because he says he doesn’t like Lily as more than a friend during dinner. He doesn’t understand why his relationships are any of his parents business. His mom stands up for him, but he’s not sure why. He doesn’t know what being a pansy means except that it’s supposed to be bad. It’s not the first time he’s been called it, and it won’t be the last. 

That night, before bed, his mom comes into his room and tells him he’s just a late bloomer, that he’ll fall in love with a nice girl and get away from their wretched home. 

“I hope one day, you come back to see your father and I,” She smiles, “and bring us a whole gaggle of grandchildren.”

He smiles and can’t bring himself to tell her he hopes that day never comes.

*

“I think I might move away,” Lily said, leaning against him on the train, “When we graduate, that is.”

“Where would you go?” He looks at her, hair mussed up into a nest, crumbs on her face, her robes half on with her muggle clothes underneath. She looks like a child. They are children. 

“Somewhere the war can’t reach us,” She shrugs. “Somewhere far away where we can just blend in.”

“So like... Canada?”

*

He’s sitting with Lucius in the common room, trying to work out an issue in his charms essay when Narcissa comes in,  Regulus trailing behind her. He hasn’t seem him much outside of meals, not since he helped him out back in second year.

“Do you have a minute, Sev?” She asks politely, but sits down before he can answer. “I was hoping you could help Regulus with some potions theory? I’d do it, but you’re so much better at teaching than me.”

“Well, I suppose,” he shrugs, “but I was trying to figure out this-”

“It’s no trouble, Severus,” Lucius interrupts him with a pat on the back, “We can pick this back up tomorrow.”

He smiles at him in a way that says ‘just do with it’, and Severus doesn’t know why he bothered putting up any resistance. 

“Alright, then,” Cissa stands, popping Regulus down in her seat and a heavily annotated third year potions book on the table, "I'll just steal Lucius away for a bit so you two can work."

The blondes leave without so much as a goodbye, leaving the two of them functionally alone in the common room. Severus looks around for a second to try and see if they're lingering around or if anyone's watching over them, but he doesn't notice anything out of place.

"Well, whatever, let's get working," he shrugs, and pops open the book to one of the more note heavy pages, looking over them to see where he was in understanding things.

“You really don’t have to help me,” Regulus caught his attention, trying to reach for his book back, “My cousin’s just a little nosey.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Severus smiles, “I don’t get to see you around much, it’ll be nice to tutor someone who isn’t a year above me.”

They got to work and he was surprised how easy it was to relax around Regulus. He seems nice and smart and was much more polite than his brother. Funny enough, he seemed to grasp everything he was saying pretty easily and he says at much. Regulus looks at him then looks away just as quickly, and Severus doesn’t think he’s ever seen someone blushing like that as pretty.

He hopes they get to study together again.

*

In fifth year, Lily meets him in the library and they talk about their studies and what each other's friends are up too and who they think's going to fail the upcoming midterms until he brings up the upcoming Hogsmeade weekend.

“I don’t understand, Sev,” She leans against his shoulder, even though she’s still taller than him, “All the girls in my dorm want to talk about is who’s going out with who every weekend and I don’t get it. It’s not like hanging out, you have to be alone and try to impress each other and most of them aren't even friends with the boys they try to date.”

“I understand, but I don’t know how to help,” He shrugs, “I don’t know how it’s different from being friends, you’re the only person I’d ever want to date.” It’s a lie and he knows it, because he looks at Rosier or Regulus sometimes and wishes they could be alone. He feels like Lily knows that too.

“And everyone in the dorm thinks we’re dating because we’re so close,” she looks up at him through her eyelashes, “Why can’t we just be friends? You’re my best friend, why does it have to be more?”

He shrugged and didn’t say anything. If she wanted it to be more, he wanted it to. If she didn’t, he didn’t.

That weekend they go to Hogsmeade and drink butterbeer and people watch and it’s nice (until Potter sneaks up on them and they go back to the castle just to get away from him.)

*

“Are you sure your girlfriend’s okay with this?” Evan Rosier looks down at him, straddling his waist the day before yule break. They’re as close to naked Severus has ever been with another person that wasn’t his mother or Lily and he’s not sure how to feel.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” He frowns, because he’s told him this before and why would they be doing this if she was?

Rosier shrugs and it gives Severus a nasty feeling in his chest, but they continue on anyway. Rosier kisses him and touches him and it's all alright until it goes too far and he doesn’t know how to say he doesn’t want to do this anymore.

Severus loses his virginity that night and doesn’t know how to feel.

He waits until he’s sure Rosier is asleep and creeps out of his own bed, pulling on his over robe and walking out into the common room barefoot.

He sits in front of the fire, touching the little spots on his neck he knows will bruise, the place Rosier had kissed at his hips. It wasn't all bad, not really. But the sex part kept souring his thoughts. He knew he wouldn't like it, knew he wasn't interested. But he was interested in Rosier and when he offered to share a bed before break, he didn't want to say no. 

"Severus?" 

He turns quick enough to hurt his own neck, looking around the common room until he can see Regulus hanging in the shadows in his nightgown, hidden if not for the pale skin of his face. 

"What are you doing up?" He waves him over to sit beside him, scooting over in front of the fire. 

"I can never sleep before break," Regulus smiles at him and he wants to run his fingers through his hair. "And you?"

"I-" he stops, the words sticking in his throat. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Anything."

"Rosier and I," Severus frowns into the fire, "we had sex tonight. I don't think I regret it, but I never want to do it again."

“He didn’t-” He looks at him, scared, “He didn’t force you, did he?”

“No, I agreed, I just,” there’s a knot in his stomach he doesn’t know how to deal with, “it was fine. He was nice, it wasn’t bad. But the whole thing just makes me uncomfortable. I can’t imagine wanting to do that again.”

“Did you tell Evan that?” Regulus looks at him and Severus almost wishes he had offered to share his bed instead. He doesn’t say that, of course. Just feels it.

“I didn’t know how. He seemed to enjoy it and I didn’t want to ruin that and afterwards he fell asleep.”

They sat besides each other quietly for a long while, thinking. He didn’t want to guess on what Regulus was thinking, if he though he was weak or stupid for not just telling Rosier what he felt, weird for not wanting to be touched in that way, disappointed that he didn’t want it at all. The fire popped and burned on without stop. 

Finally, Severus stopped wallowing in his own feelings, for now anyways, and stood. He offered Regulus a hand to stand, fingers lingering on his arm just a little too long. "I should get back to bed," he explains, "If Evan wakes up, I don't want him asking where I was."

"Good night, Sev," he trails his fingers down to his hand, "Let's talk more on the train tomorrow."

They didn’t get to talk much on the train. Regulus came to sit with him and Lily and Potter insisted on bothering them every time he passed their car (and with Potter came Black who would throw a fit when he saw him and Regulus so much as talking.)

*

It’s cold, obviously, over winter break. His dad’s home all the time, so he tries to stay out as long as he can, huddled up against Lily while they walk or swing together. When it gets cold enough for the water in the canal to freeze, they go down to skate on the ice.

He can’t hide what happened between him and Rosier, Lily knows him too well and he’s kind of shit at hiding the little bruises left on his neck. 

“What was it like?” Lily asked him, squeezed up against him outside the convenience store on the edge of Cokeworth.

“Not... bad,” He shrugged, taking a sip of his soda so he’d have a moment to think about it, “Not all bad, at least. I liked being there with him, I liked kissing him, feeling him hold me. The rest, I could do without.”

“I get that,” Lily nodded, stealing his soda to take her own sip, “Sex is kind of weird.”

“Have you?” Severus looked at her, “For real?”

“Yeah,” She shrugged, “I figured I’d give one of the boys in the tower a shot. It was fun for awhile, then he got handsy.”

“And you just? Went with it?”

“Well, I figured it couldn’t hurt?” Lily gives him a look, “And it’s not like I hated it. The guy was nice. It was fine. Kinda neat. I wouldn’t mind doing it again with someone I cared about.”

“Huh.” Severus nods, and finishes his drink and then they talk about something else.

*

"Would you date me, Severus?"

He looks at Lily beside him, serious faced as she watches him from above her textbooks. When she doesn't take it back, he clears his throat.  "Well, yes, of course, but why?"

"Does there have to be a reason?" She puts her books down on the grass around them and leans her head against his shoulder.

"Well, most people date because they like each other." 

“I like you!” She nudges him playfully and he can’t help cracking a smile. 

“Yeah but like, romantically.” He closes his book so he can bop her on the head with it.

“Romantic, platonic, whatever, it's all liking.” She swiped the book from his hands, “and if we started dating, people would leave us both alone about it.”

“Well what if I wanted to date someone else?” He tried not to sound like he was thinking about Regulus. 

“What's stopping you,” She shrugged, “Isn’t Bellatrix dating the Lestrange twins?”

Well. She had a point. 

Dating doesn’t change much about their relationship, they still walk to classes together and study in the library and make faces at each other across the great hall, but now they get to hold hands and no one bothers trying to ask Lily out anymore (and those that do get jinxed until they stop). A few times, when they were by themselves, they even kissed and he likes it a lot better than he did with Rosier. 

Once he asked Lily on a date to Hogsmeade and they got butterbeers and hung out around the village, watching other students mill about. They got caramels from Honeydukes. It wasn’t any different than they’re usual Hogsmeade weekends, but getting to call it a date gave Severus little butterflies in his stomach. 

Being with Lily was basically a dream come true and he couldn't keep a smile off his face for days.

“It sounds like things are going well,” Regulus smiled with him while he told him about their weekend, “I'm happy for you, Sev.”

“I am too,”  He can't help smiling, “I really like Lily and she likes me too, even if it’s different.”

“What if she starts to like someone else?” 

“Well, either she starts dating them too or she breaks up with me,” he shrugged, “I’d be really sad if we broke up, but in the end that's her choice I guess.”

“And if... you like someone else?” Regulus looked at him and he felt a little heat in his cheeks.

“Well, it depends, do they like me too?”