Just The Same

Evan still isn't entirely sure this night is really happening, to be fair. He doesn't understand why Connor kept his note, he doesn't understand why Connor tried to kill himself, he doesn't understand why the Murphy's seem to think he's Connor's best friend or why Connor didn't correct them or why they seemed so intent on meeting him only to argue over the table like he's not even there. He doesn't understand anything that's going on.

So maybe it's because the night feels so fake already, or maybe because Connor insisted he take a hit off of his joint on the car ride over because "god knows you'll need it, Hansen". He can barely muster up the courage to tell Jared to shut up most days, but he's feeling kind of weird, warm and fidgety, but not nervous. It's been a long time since he wasn't nervous. So that's probably why he said anything at all.

"-You're too soft on him, Cynthia!"

Connor's dad had been weirdly passive aggressive through half of dinner, and then when Connor talked back, he got straight up aggressive for the other half.

"Honey, please, we can't do this tonight."

Evan isn't super well versed in ‘normal' family dynamics, but this all seems. Messed up. Fucked up, in fact, pardon his french. Oh my god, is he high? His stomach hurts. He looked over at Zoe, but she was completely closed off, looking ready to run. Out of the corner of his eye, Connor looks ready to jump across the table and clock his dad in the face.

"If the boy insists on acting like a disappointment, then he has to face the-"

"It's kind of funny." Evan spoke before he really thought about it and a little louder than necessary, grabbing the attention of everyone at the table. He really, really, didn't want to know if Connor was watching him. "My dad used to say the same kind of stuff."

"Excuse me?" Connors dad was looking at him and that was terrifying, wasn't it?

"It's funny as all. Hearing you, it's almost like he's here again." He shrugged, trying to put some kind of smile on his face. He's not sure if it worked. "When we came in, I was thinking Connors lucky to still have a dad."

"My condolences." Connor's dad frowns like he said something unbelievably sad. "You're right, Connor is lucky to have a parent who actually cares what happens to him and doesn't let him do whatever he pleases."

"Oh, my dad's not dead." Evan laughs, awkwardly at first, then with something like real humor. "He left."

And the table is so so quiet, Evan's laughter is the only thing he can hear.

"He left because of me. Because I have really bad anxiety and have since I was a kid." He's probably gonna want to die when this is all over, but it's worth it, maybe, to see Connor's dad make that face. "He was always getting after me for it. ‘Well look who finally decided to come to dinner', ‘why can't you just make friends like a normal kid', ‘quit acting like a baby for attention'! Stuff like that."

He shrugs, playing with his fork, kind of terrible gluten free lasagna forgotten on his plate.

"I guess it's not as funny since I was seven and not seventeen." He looked at Connor's dad, not quite in the eyes. "Either way, I think you and my dad would have gotten along before he left us. Just now, it was like he had never left at all."

"I don't think this is very appropriate-" Connor's mom places a hand on his dad's shoulder, but she's looking at Evan. They all are.

"He always made me miserable, you know?" He says, completely unaware of when he should stop, "I got really sad when he left, because it was my fault and all, but life was so much better when he was gone. I think that might be my worst fear, fucking up my kid so bad that they don't miss me when I'm gone."

Everything is quiet for a long time. Evan thinks, maybe he shouldn't have said anything, but he's also getting kind of nauseous so the thought doesn't stay for long.

"Holy shit, Hansen."

He looks over to Connor properly for the first time that night, expecting him to be furious or to get a fist to the face but Connor is smiling. A wide eyed, surprised smile that he isn't even sure what face he's making.

"Connor," He says quietly, leaning in just a little, "I think I'm gonna throw up."

"Alright!" Connor stands, pulling Evan up with him and that does not help with his stomach. "I think Evan needs to go. I'm gonna drive him home."

And he's being pulled out of the dining room, out of the house and into Connor's car before he can say ‘thanks for dinner'. Maybe he should be glad, he can't imagine then wanting to hear him talk anymore after everything he said. He's going to hate himself in the morning.

"Connor, I-" He doesn't know what to say, which kind of sucks when he was just spewing his life story to the other guy's whole family, but that's where he is right now. "What do I-"

"Jesus, Hansen, just buckle up."

And Connor is looking at him, smiling and it pins Evan in place, in a grounding way, not a scary way. He buckles his seatbelt and tries to pretend he's not as close to throwing up as he is. He doesn't need to give directions, since Connor's the one who picked him up from his house in the first place, so he mostly just sits there.

"Did I just miss you growing a spine, or are you just really really funny when you're high?"

"I don't know, I've never gotten high before."

And Connor is laughing, loud and harsh and it's the kind of noise that would usually have Evan hiding under his desk, but just then it feels so good.

"Then I've gotta get you high more often, huh?"